Growing Pains

my thoughts on adjustment, changes in life & growing up.

Okay.

Deep breath, Katie.

You’ve got this.

These are some words that I’ve caught myself saying lately and have become all too familiar with. This year, especially in the past couple months, I’ve had some trouble with certain aspects of my life starting to change and accepting the adjustment that comes with it. I started 2023 with the idea that it was going to be better than last year because although, 2022 was one of my favorite years, I went through a lot of change. I got my first boyfriend, got accepted into my dream college, graduated high school, felt real heart break for the first time, moved to a completely new state all by myself, said goodbye to my best friends and family, learned to live on my own, joined a sorority and experienced a lot of “lasts”, like last dance competition, last prom, last time living full time in the home I’ve grown up in my whole life. It was all good change, but it was still change and it felt different. So, I thought 2023 was the year that adjustment feeling would calm down and I would find my place. Boy, was I wrong. Looking back on my year now, I have realized that I think I’ve gone through more change and growth than I have ever before. These past few months have really made that eminent for me.

I ended my first year of college feeling that I had found my place in where I was. I went home for the summer knowing that I had made incredible friends and felt confident and comfortable with Seattle becoming my second home. After a beautiful summer being back in California, I went back to school thinking that everything was going to be the same and go back to the way it was when I left. Again, I was wrong. I felt like I was starting all over again. Falling back to square one. Going back to the drawing board. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was alone in a sea of people that I knew deep down loved me. I still felt alone. I started to question myself and overthink the things I was saying and the way I was acting. Am I being too quiet? I should speak up more. Oh no, did I say the wrong thing? Now, they probably think I’m weird and are going to talk about me behind my back. Would you believe me if I told you about thirty minutes before the picture above was taken, I was crying on the phone to my brother about how alone I felt? Probably not. I tried my best not to show what I was going through on the outside, that picture being exhibit A. I was happy in that exact moment, but overall, I was dealing with a lot. Definitely not how I wanted my sophomore year to start. Let me tell you now, the sophomore slump is so real and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was and still am going through what I like to call a “quarter life crisis”. But, I just keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay. This is a rough patch and that I will get through it. I know I am growing and becoming a better person because of it, but I didn’t know it was going to hurt this much. No one ever talks about how growing up, becoming more mature and coming into your own can really take a toll on a person. Like let’s be so for real. This shit is hard as hell. But it’s just one of those unspoken things that not even your parents warn you about. You kinda just have to experience it on your own. Everyone goes through hardships in their life, whether they make it known or not, everyone struggles. I know for me, trusting in the idea that time will heal almost anything and focusing on only yourself, can make the struggles in life just even a little bit better. Your brain can’t be grateful and anxious at the same time. When anxiety takes over, look for gratitude and appreciate all the good parts of life. I have also found that you have to be careful about who you reach out to about your current issues because not everyone will give you the empathy you’re looking for simply cause they may not understand or relate.

Now, after I’ve started to switch my mindset to focus on things other than the people around me, my situation has started to get better for me. I’ve started to really appreciate those who I know truly love me for me and focus in on those relationships, rather than hyper fixating on the idea of getting everyone to like me. I no longer experience FOMO (fear of missing out). Okay wait, that’s a boldfaced lie. I do occasionally, but now I only try to put my energy into things that I know I will enjoy wholeheartedly. I’ve accepted that feeling overwhelmed is a normal feeling, especially for a college student. We’re all still trying to figure it out. Everyone is, whether you’re in school or in a job or whatever you’re doing in life, it’s all of our first times going through life. A lot of the time, there are more people in the same position as you than you think. Everyone carries and uloads their burdens differently. One of my best friends from home recently said to me that if you’re just “trying to survive” in life, you’re not living the life to it's fullest potential. And it’s so true. You don’t want to look back on life and think that you lived it in one straight line with no curves or bumps in the road because at the end of the day, how boring is that. Living a monotone life. And hey, maybe that’s how some people want to live. To each their own. But I'm pretty damn sure I never want to live a life that is the same and there are no changes. It’s within those changes that make life so extraordinary. In a way, although difficult at times, I find a sense of peace trusting in the journey of life and where it takes me. The most beautiful things sometimes come from the most unexpected times.

The biggest lesson I think I’ve learned after all of this is that growing up and changing isn’t so much about evolving into a whole new human being and becoming unrecognizable from your old self. It’s about learning to love and find peace in the previous version of yourself and adjust it to the you that walks through the world today. To whoever is reading this, (shoutout to my parents cause I know they are), if you take anything from what I have said, just know that it will be okay. Everything works out the way it should. And if you know me really well, then you know I live by the saying everything happens for a reason. I will literally tell anyone this until they are sick and tired of hearing it because it’s so damn true. You may not see it now, but later on down the road, you will see why things happened the way they did and you are the person you are now because of it. If you are going through it, as I am right now, just know this feeling is temporary. These experiences are who you are, but they don't make you damaged or define your life, its how you continue to persist through and find resilience through a setback that define your life. You won’t feel like this forever. I pinky promise. You’ve got this.

On a different note, I hope you enjoyed my first blog post. Wohoo! I did it! I can’t believe I’m doing this. I still have trouble talking to others about what I’m dealing with, unless its my parents or my brother. I don’t like pity or petty sympathy, so that’s another reason why I started writing. There was no one to judge me, but me. With starting this blog, I’ve felt more inclined to share my feelings and possibly connect with someone reading who is also feeling particularly shitty about their life right now. I have no idea what might come of this, but I’m excited to see what it is. Anyways, this is getting long and if you’ve made it this far, your probably wondering when I’ll finally shut up. Like I said before, I got A LOT of things on my mind. But I guess for the sake of everyone or no one reading, I’ll end it here. Until next time.

With love,

Katie